You know that thing you're worried about? You know, that question about sex that you are kind of embarrassed to say out loud but wish you could ask. You don't just want to ask anyone, but someone who knows what they are talking about, like:
Why can't I have an orgasm?
Why do I want sex so much?
Why don't I want sex enough?
Why aren't I sexually attracted to my spouse anymore?
Is something wrong with me?
Why am I like this?
Am I broken?
Well, here is the #1 answer to most sex questions. If this doesn't answer yours, don't fret. There's more where this came from:
"For the record: Yes, you are normal. Your sexuality is SUPPOSED to be… just the way it is. Your body is beautiful and your desires are perfectly okay. Nothing is wrong with your sexuality apart from the persistent belief that there is something wrong, either with you or with someone else. And the closer you can get to letting go of the fear that something somewhere is broken, the better your sex life will be. The secret ingredient is you." - Emily Nagoski, PhD, author of Come as You Are: the Surprising New Science that Will Change Your Sex Life. Quote taken from her blog.
This might not satisfy your exact question, but it answers a lot of them, and I wouldn't be surprised if Nagoski's book answers your question or other questions more in depth. Nagoski holds degrees in health behavior and human sexuality and has been a sex educator for over twenty years. In her book she answers the most common questions she's received throughout her career.
I think sex is something almost everyone struggles with, especially in America. I know I've struggled, and I've read just about every book I can get my hands on about the topic because I love to research. Yet, I have never had a book answer my questions and speak to my personal struggles in a way that is as helpful as this book.
Nagoski breaks down how many of our sexual woes are generated from our culture's inaccurate understanding and misguided expectations of what sex is or should be. These ideas affect women's sexual identities and cause them to question their normalcy, especially when sexual dysfunction is involved. However, much of what we consider a problem or dysfunction isn't even abnormal. We don't know what is normal, though, because we aren't exposed to factual ideas about sex.
Some examples of inaccurate and negative ideas:
Women who like sex are sinners or are innately bad.
Women who do not want sex as much as their partners are broken.
Normal sex involves vaginal penetration.
Normal orgasm is achieved through vaginal penetration.
Smart women don't like sex.
Men who don't want a lot of sex are broken.
Men who want a lot of sex are jerks.
And so on and so on. When you read these ideas, you know they are not true, that they are conflicting, and or unachievable, but you are also probably familiar with them. That's because we aren't exposed to these ideas in a straightforward way that we can rebuff and move on from. They are ingrained into us through our culture, religion, the media, education, our parents, and other experiences leading up to and after puberty. These sources are not intentionally being sex-negative, but certain messages they provide contain inaccurate and negative conclusions, and our culture doesn't have much that presents sex in a positive light.
Pornography, for example, is not meant to teach young people that women are supposed to be extremely orgasmic from penetration or that men have unending erections, but when childrens' first and primary exposure to sex is from pornography, they naturally assume that's what sex is like. "According to recent data, 90% of young men age 18 have been exposed to pornography . . . Of the 90%, the average age of these young men were between 8-11 years old. Similarly, 60% of young women by the age of 18 have been exposed to porn as well." - The Novus Project.
The point is that the vast majority of people in our culture and similar cultures feel like they are abnormal when it comes to sex, and this book explains why you're perfectly normal and how to deal when you're having trouble sexually. Just hearing that your experiences are normal and healthy can have an amazing impact on your sex life.
For me, the most useful tool Nagoski provides is the idea that sexual desire is not simply about wanting sex. She breaks it down into two parts, using a car's accelerator and brakes as a comparison. The accelerator is what we know of as desire, but what she compares to the brakes is an important part that I never considered. Your brakes are a part of your brain that turns sexual desire off to protect you.
We think of people as having high or low sex drives, but what Nagoski explains is that your level of desire could be because of a variety of combinations of your accelerator and brakes. You could have a high desire because you have a high accelerator, or maybe it's mid-range but you have weak brakes, so it seems like you have high desire. You could have low desire because of a weak accelerator or because of sensitive brakes.
This breakdown is incredibly useful for considering what is going on with your personal desire levels and what needs your attention to change that desire level. Plus, she includes a quiz to help you determine the strength or sensitivity of your accelerator and brakes.
For example, I thought I had low desire, so I was shocked when the quiz told me that I actually have a high accelerator, but really sensitive brakes, making it seem like I have low desire. That's just one example of how this book can answer your questions and help with common or unique problems in new ways.
In other words, I highly recommend this read for any woman, or man, who is experiencing sexual problems and or who has ever felt abnormal or broken because of sexual issues. An absolute must read!!!!